And While We're on the Topic of Drugs....

Since moving to the Netherlands, I have felt secure in the knowledge that at no time have I been more than a few meters away from a potential cup of coffee. I suspect that, while coffee is in fact a legal substance available without prescription in this country, it is, like marijuana, subject to some regulation. I imagine at least one of the regulations goes something like this:

"We, the people of the Netherlands, consume coffee at the respectable rate of 8.4 kg per capita annually. Nevertheless, we rank only 5th in per capita coffee consumption worldwide. Yes, Finland, Norway, Iceland and Denmark have longer, darker, colder winters than we do, not to mention they are full of Scandinavians! But are these reasons to allow them to surpass us? Furthermore, Sweden is gaining on us! Where's your national pride? Be it therefore resolved that at least one multifunction, full-service automatic coffee apparatus be placed in all universities, government workplaces, and private businesses located more than 10 meters away from a cafe, restaurant, coffeeshop, or private residence."

The first time I encountered one of these koffieautomaten was in the Immigration Office, where the receptionist invited us to help ourselves to coffee, hot cocoa, or tea from the machine. We were faced with a bewildering array of choices. We were already bewildered enough, what with the procedures involved with establishing my official existence and permanent residency, and with bureaucracy in general (remember bedrijfshulpverleningsorganisatie?). So the complex decision-making process required to get a cup of coffee out of this machine was almost beyond me. There was coffee mild, medium, or strong; with or without milk and/or sugar. There was espresso, cappucino, wiener melange (you're on your own), hot chocolate, tea, and multiple permutations thereof. You put your little plastic cup under the spout, push the three or four buttons necessary to indicate your choice, pray that you didn't press "wiener melange"  by mistake, and watch the machine dispense your beverage. "What's this button, the one that says 'kan'?," asked Ben, finger dangerously poised in the pointing position mere millimeters away from it. Turns out that's the one you push when you have a coffee carafe in hand, ready to fill for you and six of your closest co-workers. You most definitely do not want to push that button if you are carafe-less.

Not fully in possession of my wits or my camera at the time, I missed the photo opp and the associated comic potential of the situation. However, thanks to Dutch coffee regulations, I have encountered such machines in several other places, including but not limited to the grocery store, the cafeteria located in the Cobbenhagen Building at Tilburg University, high school teachers' lounges, hospitals, and a restroom somewhere. Okay, I made that last one up. But the rest are True Facts and, because (1) I always have this sneaking suspicion that some of you doubt my veracity and (2) they say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I don't feel like writing a thousand words right now any more than you feel like reading them, I submit below some authentic, non-photoshopped pictures of two of the three automatic coffee machines located in the university's cafeteria.

The simple little model in the bottom picture is located right inside the service area of the cafeteria, where there are trained staff on hand to instruct you in the use of the thing or respond to a coffee emergency, should one arise. This low-end model has a mere 31 possible permutations and combinations.  It is complicated, however, by the need to figure out under which of the 4 spouts you should carefully center your cup. I am particularly fond of its choice of adjectives describing beverage strength: "mild," "normal," and "strong." Just a little judgmental, don't you think?

The top machine can be operated in the time it takes to skip your next class. Two of these machines are located against the wall at the far end of the cafeteria, where there are no coffee-machine-certified staff to come to your rescue. The picture only shows the selection panel; the machine itself is the size of a soda vending machine. It dispenses 17 different beverages (not counting soup), which can be adjusted for 3 levels each of strength, milk content, and sugar content. Assuming that every drink can be adjusted for strength, but not necessarily for milk or sugar level, at a conservative estimate that's at least 100 possibilities. Do the math yourself if you don't believe me. The good news: there's only one spout under which to place your cup, so that's one fewer decision to make.

"But DoubleDutchDeb!" you exclaim (again!), "Maybe these are just some hoity-toity, high-brow university machines, unnecessarily complicated just to show off?" Could be. So far, I think the only machine I've met that was as complicated as the top one pictured was at the Immigration Office. They might not be a group of egg-head intellectuals over there at Immigration, but bureaucracies do delight in excessively complicated procedures. On the other hand, the Jumbo Supermarkt machine, where you can help yourself to a free coffee while shopping, looks like the bottom picture. So I'd have to conclude that the university is doing its patriotic best to increase coffee consumption across a demographic with a wide range of koffieautomaten competency.